You will never understand how I feel towards you now. I don’t understand why you
would want to do such a thing. I mean, it’s completely ridiculous. Everyday,
every night, I would step back and look at all the things I’ve done for you,
feel the resentment, and then stab my heart all over again. I’m already
controlling myself from doing all the things I categorize them to be “stupid”.
And yet, you don’t seem to understand, don’t you?

I was stupid, definitely. And why? Because, I let my beliefs slipped
through my fingers. I allowed my heart to rule over my mind. Which is, naturally
a bad thing even though you hear people telling you to just follow your heart
very often in dilemma cases? But have it ever occurred to you, what you’re doing
now, exactly at this point of your life, can actually cause major hurt to
others? Ah, never dawned on that, did you?

I’m just so
disappointed. I never thought the person I knew would turn out like this. One
asshole that wants to save face and dignity so much, that he/she got to cook up
stories to feed others. & just like the norm, these “facts” would be told
and retold to almost every individual soul. God damn you. I hate you.

When I stumbled upon this truth, I simply couldn’t accept it. It
was far too much for me to take it much less, accept it. At least, I thought I
felt so then...

One whole bloody week, I practically suffered from
insomnia. I would at least take 2 hours to fall asleep. & everyday, I’m just
like a walking zombie in school. And all those laughters, and smiles? What the
hell. Let me tell you. I freaking hate it. I don’t know why I want to force
myself to smile when I obviously don’t want to. Many a times, I feel like
walking over to your table, and shout/scream/scold you till my heart’s content.
But due to my already sucky temperament, I restrained and restrained.

I’m letting go of all this shit. Reason being, I see no point in
getting all effed up with this matter. And besides, I don’t want to waste any
more time on you. Why should I in the first place? Anyway, from the beginning, I
should have known, you are such person. Why didn’t that occurred? Damn.

Right, if brainwashing people or for that matter of fact, your
“friends” makes you feel better, go ahead. Because you don’t realize, no one’s
on your side. At least all those that follows the logic doesn’t, not those who
goes with the flow. (:

Reading Stomp’s star blog this week, made me
realize that, optimism is all that matters. & the way you look at things,
the perspective and the way you choose to handle matters and problems. I
shouldn’t spread the negativity any longer; neither should I prolong this pain,
agony and hatred. But still, I want to thank you for moulding me to become
stronger person. Instead of being more prone to injuries next time, I’ll be more
prepared, physically and mentally. Credits all goes to you.

It doesn’t matter how you feel towards me anymore. Because I’m certain how I feel
towards you. That’s more important. At least I know how to be honest with
myself. Something I know you will never understand. I never expected you to
anyway. (: